I finally found the right song!

This song, depicts everything that I am feeling as of right now, about the whole situation with Gary....
It's called Waiting for the End by Linkin' Park

This is not the end
This is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something emptys within em

We say yeah

With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something that's invisible there
Cuz we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it forget it
Let it all disappear

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strenght to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control

Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go

I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I wanna do is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last
I wish it wasn't so

What was left when that fire was gone
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on

And I don't even know what kind of things I said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
Picking up those pieces now where to begin
The hardest part of ending is starting again

All I wanna do is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

This is not the end
This is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something emptys within em

We say yeah

With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something that's invisible there
Cuz we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it forget it
Let it all disappear

I heard this on the radio the other day and I almost started crying cuz i realized it was my feelings inside...If you like the lyrics, then youtube it...It is truly a wonderful song.

Dreams and Blood

Dreams and Blood

Here I sit, still breathing

Am I bleeding

Or just dreaming

Everything seems so surreal

I must not reveal

This side of me

For you to see

I am protecting myself

My life keeps turning on itself

Here I sit, still breathing

Am I bleeding

Or just dreaming

It felt so real

Here’s the deal

I’m fighting inside

To relax on the outside

Here I sit, still breathing

Am I bleeding

Or just dreaming

What has happened to me

It was clearly not meant to be

So now I must relax

Not hide behind the mask

Here I sit, still breathing

Am I bleeding

Or just dreaming 

I just wrote this poem....the feelings that are going through me right now do not feel like they are real, and I feel as though I need to loosen up and quit pretending...Sounds pretty hard, but I need to in order to succeed in my life....Hope you like this poem

80 days down and 285 to go

A lot has happened in the last 80 days. My mom Pearl is in the hospital right now. She has to have the tip of her finger amputated and she has had a lot of surgeries in the past month. Hopefully, she will pull through and get better.
I got a job today! I am going to be working at Results in Provo making $8 an hour. It's a call center, which sucks, but I will prevail!!! GO ME!!!! I start work on Monday. Don't know for sure what time, but they are supposed to call and let me know this week.
Other than that I havent much to say. Michael is getting bigger and more handsome every day.
He is the light of my day and I just love him more than anything.
I haven't heard anything from KOTM yet, but the meeting was today so I hope to hear from them in the next day or so.
This blog is not very long, but that is the way things go....Night to all

Today was definately a down day

So today my son had his first appointment with Kids on the Move (KOTM). The did two different assessments on him to see how he was developing and if he was developing properly. Well the first test they did was a language test to see how many words he knew and could say that could be understood. Well he has a moderate delay in the language portion of development. The second part of the assessment they did was to see how much he understood what was being asked of him. He showed a severe delay in that portion. The next step is for a nurse to come out and check on his health development, and after that they will have a developmental specialist come out and do assessments on all the areas of development to make sure that he is not behind on anything else.
Well, KOTM gave me a handbook to look through and I found some questions that I will have to answer for them to make a list of goals for Michael's treatment if he is accepted into the program. I answered a few of the questions and I wanted to put them on here so that you can get an understanding of how I feel about my son, and where our lives are headed.
The first question I came across was: The things I really love about my son are:
his smile
his laugh
the way his eyes light up when i enter the room
the big hugs I get
Whenever I say, "Chugga, Chugga" he responds with "Choo! Choo!" (hand gestures included)

My child's personality and temperment is best described as:
Easy going
head strong
stubborn
well behaved
overall just good

The biggest challenge my family has right now is:
Michael getting to know his father from a long distance, and Michael communicating what he wants and needs.

I am really proud of my son right now because:
He has been through a lot so far, but he always has a smile on his face, even when he is extremely sick

My son, if you can't tell is all I have in this life, and he is the only thing that will forever be there for me. For those of you who do not know I named my son after my older brother who passed away in 2004. So looking at my son is a double edged sword because he looks a lot like my brother and he also looks a lot like his dad.
I still love his dad and I always will, but time will heal my wounds.

After the KOTM lady left today I sat and pondered everything in the last two years trying to figure out what exactly I did wrong that would make my son have a delay in his development. I talked to my dad about how I felt and he told me that everything was just fine and to not blame myself for anything. There is nothing I can do to change the past and I just need to learn from it.
So my vow is that if I ever have children again, I will do my best to make sure that they are hitting their milestones on time just like they are supposed to and work with them on talking. Since that lady left today I have been working with Michael when he wants something to make him tell me what it is rather than just giving it to him.
If I continue to just give him what he wants without him telling me what he wants then he will not learn to talk and I believe that, that has been one of the biggest mistakes I have made in the last 2 years.
Well, this blog is long enough, and I have to go to bed to get up and look for a job early in the morning! night all

A few Poems and my feelings right now

I feel as though I have lost everyone in my life. I still have a few people who have stuck around. I miss my family most of all though, I have not been close to them in years and moving to Oklahoma pushed me further away from them. I am back in Utah, and I still do not feel that I am that close to my family anymore. I have written a few poems lately on how I feel about my ex-husband (well not ex just yet, but you know what I mean) and I thought that I would put them in here so that my words can be read by someone....
This poem is called My Heart and my best friend Robert helped me write it:

My Heart

My heart is aching inside

I cannot hide

These feelings in me

Wanting you to be

Mine forever to hold

To keep me warm when its cold

I know I treated you bad

And now you are very mad

But one question for you

Will my words ring true

In your heart will you see

We are meant to be

Things are not what they were

And I’m not there

I want to be by your side

Instead I’m on a slide

Of misery and pain

There is a stain

On my heart

That says I’m still yours

‘Til death do us part

Is what is in my heart

I promised myself to you

And ill always be true

I remember the day I read my vows to you

Do you remember that day too?

When our ember of love became

More like a roaring flame

Like a roaring fire

Is the height of our desire

I promise you

That I will love you

Until the end of time

If you again become mine

However, no matter how many poems I write, he is not coming back into my life, so I need to find a way to move on. I've been considering going back to church and getting my son involved in the church. I know that Gary would not approve of this, but it is my life, and I am the one raising my son, so I plan on doing what I want to do.

Every night before I go to bed, my mind races with all these things, and the never ending questions of just what if and why and how....I know it sort of seems like this is a journal entry, but if you dont like what you read, then dont read my blog...

Anyways, Michael is doing great, he is getting so big and more handsome by the day. I had an appointment with a doctor for him the other day to have his hearing checked. He has perfect hearing so Kids on the Move are coming out tomorrow to do tests to see if he has a developmental problem. He is not talking much, and he likes to use his own sign language to portray what he is trying to say.

I am really scared that he has some sort of problem, and hopefully I will know tomorrow if there is anything wrong with him, or if it is just him being stubborn. I see it as he has been through a lot in his life, his short little life, and maybe that has caused him to be behind in talking and whatnot.

For example, incase you did not know this, I got pregnant with him when I was living in Oklahoma, When I was 6 months pregnant with him I rode the greyhound bus back up here. Well, when Michael was 5 months old I married his father, and when he was 8 months old we moved out to Oklahoma. Let me tell you 24 hours in a truck with an 8 month old is not a good idea.... His dad and I split up when he was a year and a half, and last June we moved back up here to Utah.

Since then we have been living with my dad, in Lehi, and he is at least treated like he is part of the family which is good enough for me.

This is a picture of Michael and I that my cousin Shiloh took for me last October...it is the most recent photo of us that I have

  this next photo is my favorite pic of us

and one last photo of just Michael, this one is my favorite of just him

I want to thank my cousin Shiloh for taking these pictures among more of my family thank you so much!

binge

1. Put your iPod (or iTunes) on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!


IF SOMEONE ASKS "IS THIS OKAY?" YOU SAY?
Holier Than Thou--Metallica

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Taking Over Me--Evanescence

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
All or Nothing--Theory of a Deadman

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Bring me to life--Evanescence

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
It's all your fault--Pink

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Always There When You Call--JaRule and Ashanti

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Nobody Special--Eminem

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND(S)?
Life--Eminem

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Belong to Them

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
I Believe in the Fallen

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Don't Know--Eminem

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Everything to Me--Brad Paisley

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Go--Blink 182

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Blurry--Puddle of Mudd

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
I Wanna Feel Something--Trace Adkins

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Frantic--Jamie O'Neal

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Fresh Dressed--Stat Quo

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Peer Pressure

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
No Other Woman Like You--Trace Adkins

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Free

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Nobody Knows--Pink


WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Put my Blue Jeans On--Rascall Flatts

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Saying Goodbye--Eminem

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Plastic Man

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Wait Bananas

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
My lifetime--Brian McKnight

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Where Would You Be--Martina McBride

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Fall Away

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Binge--Papa Roach

Life

So I decided to start a blog....Not sure why I decided to, just did. Well, my life right now is very complicated, and very challenging. I am stressed because my real mom is very sick and in a lot of pain right now. I just recently got an actual bed to sleep on instead of the couch (today actually). I'm struggling with trying to talk to my soon-to-be-ex-husband. I do not like talking to him, because I love him so much and wish I could fix things. It's not going to happen, but that is just fine. I'll find someone eventually.

My son gets bigger everyday. He is just full of energy. However, he has been having some developmental problems, or at least that is what we are thinking. He talks a little bit, and he uses sign language a lot, for some reason. We just got his hearing checked the other day and he passed all the tests, so now Kids on the Move are going to come out and evaluate him further. He has developed yet another cold, unfortunately. He is a trooper though and not letting it get him down.

I have been through a lot in my life, and I thought that maybe this blog would help me deal with my depression better than I have been doing on my own. Well, This concludes my first blog, if you have any questions let me know, and I will post as often as I can remember to!