Merinda Fangel: A few Poems and my feelings right now

I feel as though I have lost everyone in my life. I still have a few people who have stuck around. I miss my family most of all though, I have not been close to them in years and moving to Oklahoma pushed me further away from them. I am back in Utah, and I still do not feel that I am that close to my family anymore. I have written a few poems lately on how I feel about my ex-husband (well not ex just yet, but you know what I mean) and I thought that I would put them in here so that my words can be read by someone....
This poem is called My Heart and my best friend Robert helped me write it:

My Heart

My heart is aching inside

I cannot hide

These feelings in me

Wanting you to be

Mine forever to hold

To keep me warm when its cold

I know I treated you bad

And now you are very mad

But one question for you

Will my words ring true

In your heart will you see

We are meant to be

Things are not what they were

And I’m not there

I want to be by your side

Instead I’m on a slide

Of misery and pain

There is a stain

On my heart

That says I’m still yours

‘Til death do us part

Is what is in my heart

I promised myself to you

And ill always be true

I remember the day I read my vows to you

Do you remember that day too?

When our ember of love became

More like a roaring flame

Like a roaring fire

Is the height of our desire

I promise you

That I will love you

Until the end of time

If you again become mine

However, no matter how many poems I write, he is not coming back into my life, so I need to find a way to move on. I've been considering going back to church and getting my son involved in the church. I know that Gary would not approve of this, but it is my life, and I am the one raising my son, so I plan on doing what I want to do.

Every night before I go to bed, my mind races with all these things, and the never ending questions of just what if and why and how....I know it sort of seems like this is a journal entry, but if you dont like what you read, then dont read my blog...

Anyways, Michael is doing great, he is getting so big and more handsome by the day. I had an appointment with a doctor for him the other day to have his hearing checked. He has perfect hearing so Kids on the Move are coming out tomorrow to do tests to see if he has a developmental problem. He is not talking much, and he likes to use his own sign language to portray what he is trying to say.

I am really scared that he has some sort of problem, and hopefully I will know tomorrow if there is anything wrong with him, or if it is just him being stubborn. I see it as he has been through a lot in his life, his short little life, and maybe that has caused him to be behind in talking and whatnot.

For example, incase you did not know this, I got pregnant with him when I was living in Oklahoma, When I was 6 months pregnant with him I rode the greyhound bus back up here. Well, when Michael was 5 months old I married his father, and when he was 8 months old we moved out to Oklahoma. Let me tell you 24 hours in a truck with an 8 month old is not a good idea.... His dad and I split up when he was a year and a half, and last June we moved back up here to Utah.

Since then we have been living with my dad, in Lehi, and he is at least treated like he is part of the family which is good enough for me.

This is a picture of Michael and I that my cousin Shiloh took for me last October...it is the most recent photo of us that I have